No Problem
by Morello
Summary: The ShinRa HR counsellor is available to discuss staff problems, anonymity guaranteed. But does counsellor Rosie Love have an ulterior motive for wanting the job, and is she up to the task? Silliness and Reno, among others. Rated T for Reno being crude.


**This is pure silliness and Reno. I know Elena wasn't around at the same time as Sephiroth, but this is just crack. There are lots of other characters who could have problems to add - let me know if you think of any. Palmer having trouble finding a date, say. Hojo must have issues.**

**No Problem**

**Memo to all staff**: Are you aware that Shin-Ra has a dedicated team of occupational psychologists and therapists available to help with any problems you may have? In the latest H.R. review it was pointed out that this team has been woefully under used since its inception, with no appointments having been made by members of the following departments: Administrative Research, Public Safety Maintenance, Science, Security, SOLDIER, Space Exploration, Urban Development, and Weapons Development. All appointments to date have been made by members of Administration, Finance and Human Resources.

Please understand that your company cares about your physical and mental wellbeing. Here in HR we are aware that members of certain other departments may be reluctant to discuss problems lest those problems be perceived as weaknesses. Nothing could be further from the truth! Happy workers make for a happy company. With this in mind, we have decided to trial an anonymous Q and A system via email. Please enter a code name and your question via any open-access company computer and our dedicated therapist will reply within twenty-four hours. Anonymity guaranteed.

We look forward to hearing from you. No problem too big or too small. Rosie Love, (HR dedicated counsellor and therapist).

:::

_From Son and Heir to Rosie Love_: I have grave concerns about my father. He is getting on in years, is massively over-weight, drinks too much, smokes cigars, and has a stressful and responsible job from which he seems determined never to retire. With such a lifestyle, surely he is putting his life in jeopardy? How long would you say someone in his position, with all these risk factors, might survive? He's sixty-two now; he can't have long left, can he? I feel most strongly that this situation cannot be allowed to continue as it is. Please give me a professional estimate of his life expectancy if he does not change his habits. As his son, I feel it is my duty to do whatever I can to ease his workload and point out the dangers of his current ways of behaving. I am more than capable of taking on some of his work, but he sees my input as interference, which is becoming increasingly frustrating.

_To Son and Heir, from Rosie Love_: Your concern for your father's wellbeing is truly touching. Unfortunately, when dealing with an adult of sound mind, all you can do is to give advice and offer support. Have you thought of suggesting some kind of exercise you could do together – gentle walking, or jogging, for example? It's important that you make sure your father consults his doctor before undertaking any kind of physical activity if he is unused to it, and don't start off with anything too strenuous: squash would not be a good idea!

You could find a quiet moment to discuss the issue of his lifestyle with him. I'm afraid you are quite right – he is putting his life in danger – and while I am unable to provide an estimate based on the facts you have given me, I can tell you that the average life expectancy for a man of his age living in the Midgar area is seventy-five. With all the risk factors you mention, I fear that your father is unlikely to reach this age unless you are able to persuade him to make some changes. It must be frustrating for you that your offers of help are seen as interference, but please don't give up. I'm sure that, despite his reluctance to listen, your father must be grateful that he has such a good son, who is so concerned about his future health and happiness. Good luck!

:::

_From Sword of Truth to Rosie Love_: Recently I have begun to wonder about my real parents. It could be said that I was raised 'in house', and from an early age I understood that I was destined to work for this company. I have made good progress in my career, and I hope it is not too boastful to say that I excel at my job. However, never having known my parents, I find myself wondering more and more frequently what they were like, and whether I resemble them in appearance or character. For some reason, I feel especially curious about my mother. I believe that my natural parents are dead, but I am not completely sure about this, and at times I feel compelled to investigate. What would be your advice? Should I seek answers, or is the past best left undisturbed?

_From Rosie Love to Sword of Truth_: My heart goes out to you. It must be very difficult not to know anything about either of your natural parents. Can you talk to anyone close to you about this? If so, that would be a good starting point. If not, there must be records from the time you came to the company. I feel that you have a burning need to search for information – everyone wants to know where he or she came from. Your mother's identity may be buried under layers of beaurocracy, but whether she is dead or alive, I think you owe it to yourself to find out all you can. Only then will your mind be at rest, and you will be able to get on with the rest of your life without being plagued by unanswered questions. Good luck with your search. I hope you discover the truth about your past, and that it brings you peace. I'm a firm believer that knowing the truth is best for everyone.

:::

_From Worried Red to Rosie Love: _I've always been good with girls, yeah – like, they like me and everything? So – recently – well. Let's just say that I used to be known as 'The Fastest of the T – uh – members of my department' because I was fast at running and shit. Only now they're calling me it for OTHER REASONS, and it _is not funny_. Do all guys go through this? It's never happened to me before. Help.

_From Rosie Love to Worried Red:_ Please try not to worry, as this will often only exacerbate the condition. Premature ejaculation happens to most men at some stage of their lives, and it usually responds well to treatment. Are you especially stressed at work at the moment? Stress can be a major factor. I'm attaching some medical information and advice about dealing with this problem, which I hope you find useful.

:::

_From Secret Crush to Rosie Love_: Dear Rosie, I have a secret crush on my immediate superior. He is everything that a man should be – tall, dark, handsome, deadly with a pair of pistols - and I am very young and inexperienced, but I am also a professional woman, and should know better. Should I forget about him and concentrate on the job? He's quite a lot older than me.

_To Secret Crush, from Rosie Love: _It's so easy to fall for the wrong man, particularly when you have to work with him on a day-to-day basis. But the fact that you do work with him in this way gives you your answer. An older man can be very appealing – as can a younger one, I must confess, when possessed of a certain kind of roguish charm – but I think you know that it would not be good for your career to pursue this relationship. As women it's important that we maintain our dignity and don't get ourselves into situations which reflect badly upon our professionalism, wouldn't you agree?

:::

_From No Worries Red to Rosie Love: _Yeah – so I've just seen the email my soon-to-be-dead colleague Rod sent you on my behalf. Thanks for the advice (bastard sent it to my inbox – ha fucking ha) but not needed in my case - just ask any of the girls in admin. Am forwarding info to Heidegger. Re work stress – you feel like stress relief, you give me a call, yo ; )

_From Rosie Love to No Worries Red: _While I shouldn't even dignify this message with a response, I feel I ought to remind you that you have my number (1219847737 – home 100 324 5677 – work extension 438 – rosielove at shinranet . com) but I don't have yours. Call me.

:::

_From Size Isn't Everything to Rosie Love:_ Ever since I was a boy and the other boys in my village used to pick on me for being kind of small and weedy, I wanted to prove them all wrong and become a SOLDIER. There was a girl in the village I really liked, and I promised her that when I was a famous SOLDIER like Sephiroth I would come and rescue her if she was ever in trouble. The problem is, I don't think I'm going to make it. I passed the initial assessment stage, but there seems to be some issue over the psych-tests. One guy I was talking to said that most SOLDIERS get recruited, they don't just turn up like I did. If I fail this time, I can reapply in six months – but the most likely thing is that I'll end up as an ordinary infantryman. I know you'll say there's no shame in that, but it isn't what I dreamed of. I don't think I can ever go home if I fail to make SOLDIER. I'm feeling a bit depressed.

_From Rosie Love to Size Isn't Everything: _Size certainly isn't everything, and, although it may seem so at the moment, neither is being in SOLDIER. There are many other interesting departments to consider. Have you thought of becoming a Turk, for example? Who doesn't like a man in a suit, however unconventionally he wears it? Perhaps every boy dreams of being Sephiroth at some point in his life, but becoming an adult is about working out which of our dreams are achievable and which are not. Don't give up on making SOLDIER all together, but make plans in case it doesn't work out. Being an infantryman is a good job, and the foot-soldiers of Shin-Ra achieved many acts of heroism in the war. There is nothing to stop you returning to your village with your head held high, whatever the outcome. If this girl is worthy of you, she'll be proud of your achievements in any case. Strive to be the best you can be, and you might surprise yourself, and others, with what you can accomplish.

:::

_From The Hero? to Rosie Love: _Has the arrow left the bow of the goddess?

_From Rosie Love to The Hero?_ I'm sorry – I'm not sure what it is that you're asking. Could you be more specific?

:::

_From Strong and Silent to Rosie Love_: I'm not very good at getting to know women. I think it's because I'm not sure what to say to them. I have a colleague who can get almost any woman he likes, and I'm not sure how he does it. I listen to his chat-up lines and they are really terrible, but they seem to work. Some examples include "Is it hot in here – or is that just you?", "Is it hot in here – or is that just _me_?" and "Nice dress, wanna fuck?"

The strange thing is that whether the woman in question replies positively, negatively or ignores him, by the end of the evening he almost always leaves with her. Should I try similar lines? I'm not sure I could say any of them without getting embarrassed. The problem is that whenever I go out with this particular colleague, women tend to ignore me in favour of him. I would be grateful for any advice you can give.

_To Strong and Silent from Rosie Love: _Please do not try these, or any other, chat-up lines. Speaking from my own experience, I can tell you that chat-up lines never work, in themselves. The stark fact is that if a woman likes a man enough almost anything he says (unless it's outright dumb or offensive) will 'work', and if she doesn't, nothing he can say will change that. Is your colleague unusually charming or attractive? Charming _and_ attractive? Excuse me if this is an odd question, but he doesn't have red hair does he? Only, there's this guy I went out with once and I've been trying to get hold of his number, but it's classified. And come to think of it, that was the one time a really bad chat-up line did work: "Hey, I'm a pilot. D'you wanna see my chopper?" Turns out he is. And I did want to – but I'm a nice girl, so I thought I'd wait for the third date, like you're meant to according to all the books, only he never called. Anyway – if it is who I think it is, (let's just call him R from the DAR) would you ask him to get in touch?

Oh, and I wouldn't worry about it. Be yourself – that's usually best. Maybe go out to bars without your distracting colleague. You'll probably meet someone special when he's not around hogging the limelight in that annoying, over-the-top, sexy way he does. It's not as though he's impressing anyone. Anyway, while I'm all for supporting women in whatever choices they wish to make in their own sex lives, probably most of those tarts he goes home with aren't worth it. What kind of slut would sleep with someone she just met? I've never regretted keeping my dignity intact. I'm sure you wouldn't respect a woman who just took you up on your first offer, would you? No – I bet you're a _gentleman_, and you'd take her for a drink, and buy her flowers. Women like that. They _don't_ like foul-mouthed, fast-talking, cocky red-haired bastards who think they're so sexy they don't even have to try.

But like I say – tell him to call me. He's got my number. Or my internal extension is 438. Let him know, okay? I want to give him a good _talking to_.

:::

_From The Hero? to Rosie Love:_ Is all that awaits me a sombre morrow?

_From Rosie Love to The Hero?_ That sounds rather depressing, but I'm afraid I still don't really understand the question. Try to keep positive.

:::

_From Too-Good-For-Me to Rosie Love:_ There's a young woman I've known for many years now. I've watched her from afar, often through binoculars, and although she is aware of my existence and who I am, she believes my intentions to be much more benign than I'm afraid they really are. The truth is that one day I'll be forced to abduct her – it's not that I want to, but I have my orders. She is a special person, and I've become much more attached to her than I should, but sometimes I think it would be best to let her see what I really am. I worry that am not a good man; I have certainly done bad things. If she understood this, it might be better for both of us. I personally wish her no harm – far from it - but I don't know what might happen in the future. How do you think I should proceed?

_From Rosie Love to Too-Good-For-Me: _I really think you need to seek face-to-face professional help. It is not okay to watch women through binoculars! As for these mysterious 'orders' that you say will 'force' you to abduct her – I'm certain these are only voices in your head. Please, please do not act on these thoughts! I'm not sure that I'm qualified to deal with this kind of thing. Please see a doctor as soon as possible!

:::

_From Big Boss to Rosie Love: _I think my son may be trying to kill me. What do you suggest?

_From Rosie Love to Big Boss: _I'm sorry – I don't know. Either you're just crazy like everyone else in this company seems to be, or you'd better call the police. I really don't know what else to say. Perhaps I'm in the wrong job. I only really signed up for this in the first place in the hope of getting the phone number of a certain bastard red-haired Turk who STILL HASN'T CALLED!

:::

Memo to all staff: It is with regret that we announce the departure of Rosie Love, who has decided to move on to a new post in Junon where she will be retraining as a swimming-with-dolphin therapist. We wish her every success.

:::

_From The Hero? to Rosie Love:_ My friend, do you fly away now?

To a world that abhors you and I?

:::

_To all staff from Ms. Norma Moans: _Please allow me to introduce myself – I am HR counsellor and therapist Ms. Love's replacement, and will be dealing with all correspondence from now on. If you must ask me a question please make it brief and relevant. In my opinion Ms. Love failed to answer most queries effectively, so in order to redress this I have a few messages for former correspondents.

_- Son and heir_: Patience is a virtue.

_- Sword of Truth: _I've always thought it better to let sleeping dogs lie.

_- Size Isn't Everything: _There are other jobs and other girls.

_- Strong and Silent: _Some people are born to be wallflowers. Find a girl who likes gardening. Your attractive if obnoxious friend will always get more girls. That's life.

_- Secret Crush:_ Oh dear, oh dear. I do hope you are no older than fourteen. If so there's simply no excuse. Get over it.

_- Too-Good-For-Me: _Yes she is, and, yes, you _are_ a bad man. Leave her alone.

_- Big Boss: _If you are who I think you are, your son almost certainly _is_ trying to kill you. Keep him under lock and key until he grows up.

_- The Hero?_ Your questions are nonsense. You seem to be quoting from _Loveless_. Best not.

I think that covers everything. If there are any further questions, please keep them concise.

:::

_From No Worries Red to Norma Moans: _Nice name. Wanna fuck?


End file.
